I'm going to begin this post by saying that in no way shape or form am I over my bug-o-phobia... However, living alone has hardened me to certain creepy crawlies that love to keep me company here in Chesapeake. I have actually murdered approximately 7 variations of said creepy crawlies since I moved here two months ago. I feel I should share my inspirational stories with you in hopes of giving other bug-o-phobes hope.
First off... Anters. Anters are Ants that have grown 8 legs and try to pretend to be spiders, but they are not. Well, either that, or they are Spiders that have morphed their appearance so people who aren't afraid of ants will not smoosh them. Anters start very small and within 3-4 days have grown to the size of a LARGE daddy-long-legger. I know this because I saw an Anter for the first time about 2 weeks ago and it was about the size of an everlasting gobstopper, and three to four days later it was huge. I know THIS because I did not kill it because I was still afraid of Anters back then, so I just avoided that corner of the house. I thought until today that Anters were harmless. However, I have found them to be vicious vengeant beasts:
Anter (mis)Adventure #1:
Yesterday I saw a large Anter in my bathroom. Though I am confident in my ability to murder anters (they aren't very fast moving, so I thought) I was not comfortable with only a few sheets of one-ply TP between that rascall and my hands. So, I ran to the kitchen to get a (ok not "a," more like 18) paper towels. I ran back upstairs and the Anter had disappeared. Blasphemy. I searched and searched for the Anter all night, and woke up 3-4 times afraid it was going to be hovering above me or something. Nothing. UNTIL I woke up in the morning, and had TWO spider bites on my arm!!! That bastard had stalked me all night and got me when I was most vulnerable. It strolled up my arm like a freaking runway on Americans Next Top Model. Needless to say, the next time I see an Anter - it's gonna pay.
Next creepy crawly that loves the 'Peake is the Sporpion. A Sporpion is a little black spider with 2 claws like a scorpion. It may even be a member of the lobster family, though I am not sure. Sporpions have very long shelf lives... in fact, there is a sporpion across the room from me right now that has been in my guest bedroom for 5 days. I do NOT kill sporpions... they are crunchy and hard to kill. Daniel took a broom to one in the kitchen once and it took 2 or 3 whacks with a shoe before it gave in. I did, however, find myself in a one-on-one battle with a sporpion not too long ago.
Sporpion (mis)Adventure #2:
The day: Tuesday, September 22, 2009. The time: 3:30 pm. I was just getting home from work when I went to check the mail. I grabbed the huge stack of mail in the mailbox and headed inside, where I plopped it on the kitchen counter. As soon as I set down the NEX ads, I saw it: A SPORPION!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I screamed!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!! The sporpion could smell my fear and it began encroaching... I panicked... it was coming for me... it was now or never... I grabbed a paper towel and smacked the sporpion as hard as I could onto the floor. I could not step on it - I had on my favorite pair of BCBG heels that day - I had to think quickly. With only 2 thin paper towels in my hand I began to smash smash smash it onto the floor... screaming DIE SPORPION!!! I could feel it fighting back... the sporpion was practically bench pressing the weight of my body. But I wouldn't give in. I grabbed the sporpion, still fighting for life, in between two fingers and CRUNCH! It was dead. I probably burned off my entire lean cuisine lunch in that 30 seconds.
Anters and Sporpions are disgusting, nasty, creepy, crunchy, grotesque insect hybrids. But with determination, even the biggest bug-o-phobe can overcome.
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